I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
We named our party play list daddy issues
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
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He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
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I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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