I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
