I just pynch a tree in the face
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
