Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
