I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
