Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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