i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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