he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
