Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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