i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
