So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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