I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
did you just send me my own nude
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
