We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
