I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Semen is not good for contacts.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
