i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
