these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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