Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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