I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
