she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
my liver is dry heaving
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
