happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
