And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
