I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
