Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
