Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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