I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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