I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I need water and some morals
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
