and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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