I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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