Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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