i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
