New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
