I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
