and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
