Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
