tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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