I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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