Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
