You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
