I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
