"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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