The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
