I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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