I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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