Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
