wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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