like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Every concussion has its silver lining
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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