What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
