I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
