clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Randomize
