I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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