so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
