I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
