She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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