He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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