Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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