So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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