you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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