Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
