She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
