Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
